so.... I've made an offer on a house. yay me! it is a short sale....which means there is, truly, nothing short about it. just that the bank is calling the shots instead of the homeowner. and it means waiting. they are in no hurry, that bank, to move toward making a decision on whether or not to accept my offer.
I wonder if they know......
that I am, quite literally, sitting in my living room totally and completely surrounded by mountains of boxes and furniture and plastic tubs. waiting.
I wonder if they know....
that my entire studio, save for a precious few things I've pulled out to work on, is in boxes and bags and tubs and containers.....seriously limiting the amount and type of work I can do. because......i'm waiting.
I wonder if they know.....
how utterly and completely, through to the bone ready I am to begin this new chapter. to have a clean slate with which to work....and in which to begin again and grow.
I wonder if they know....
how much I totally detest this.....waiting.
because getting to this point of being ready is a monumental thing. it has taken an effort of unimaginable proportions to psychologically and emotionally prepare myself for such change in my life. and now that I've done it......
i'm waiting.
it is the oddest thing...this business of packing up lock, stock and barrel, preparing to move....and not knowing where i'm moving to....just secure in the knowledge that, yes, to be sure, I am moving.
and quite frankly....the sooner the better. for I am also, to be sure, quite tired of......
the waiting.
Monday, October 20, 2014
Sunday, October 12, 2014
no matter
it's a cool, gray, drippy fall day where I am today. no matter.
inside, the lamps are on, the pillows piled high, the yarns close at hand, the spicy chai tea hot. in just a bit i'll be on my way to a birthday party....my grandson's 7th birthday! it amazes me how fast time flies. truly.
a week ago I was just finishing up some firsts. my first all-weekend craft show. (it went well...so well, in fact, I've already committed to go back next year!) my first weekend away all by myself since hubs passed away in june. (it went well also...very quiet, but healing) my first road trip alone since...well...see previous comment. (it was without any difficulty at all).
there was, however, one small little thing that happened that has cast a slight shadow on the weekend of my "busting out". The residual effects, surprisingly enough, are not totally unpleasant.
at the time, I thought i'd broken my rib. I was alone at the little mountain cabin in the woods i'd rented for the weekend. I was leaning over the side of the bathtub....and I felt it pop. First words?
"Ohhhh no...that 's not good." Loosely translated.
I had no choice but to continue with the day's plans...going to the show, being up and down, selling, visiting with family who'd come up for the day. And as is so like me....turning down their offers of assistance. So, at the end of the day, I broke down my space, carted it in multiple trips to the car and drove my sore self home. Ibuprofen has been my friend ever since. I did see the doc, who took x-rays and no, it isn't broken. but the cartilage has pulled away from the rib and will continue to be extremely sore and tender for perhaps weeks. True, that! Take it easy, the doc said. But on days when I'm feeling pretty chipper I get out and do things.....like grocery shopping. That included, this past Friday, lifting a 20 lb bag of cat food into my cart, out of my cart, into the car, out of the car and up the steps into the house. Bad idea. Really bad idea. And I have paid for it ever since. So I suppose I must heed the "take it easy" advice. That said, here's the silver lining: I've had to sit down and be still. Be still....think about that. I've worked on scarves to replenish those that have been selling quite well. I've done some reading. I've done a lot of thinking. I've been wrapping wire and beads. I've been taking care of MY SELF. That is such a foreign concept to me....and in order for it to happen, I was made to be still. That can't be an entirely bad thing. no matter. it's out of my control. so take care of my self, I will.
I also made an offer on a house this week. Nothing to tell except it's in the waiting stages. And I've said before how I feel about waiting. no matter.....it's part of the process.
inside, the lamps are on, the pillows piled high, the yarns close at hand, the spicy chai tea hot. in just a bit i'll be on my way to a birthday party....my grandson's 7th birthday! it amazes me how fast time flies. truly.
a week ago I was just finishing up some firsts. my first all-weekend craft show. (it went well...so well, in fact, I've already committed to go back next year!) my first weekend away all by myself since hubs passed away in june. (it went well also...very quiet, but healing) my first road trip alone since...well...see previous comment. (it was without any difficulty at all).
there was, however, one small little thing that happened that has cast a slight shadow on the weekend of my "busting out". The residual effects, surprisingly enough, are not totally unpleasant.
at the time, I thought i'd broken my rib. I was alone at the little mountain cabin in the woods i'd rented for the weekend. I was leaning over the side of the bathtub....and I felt it pop. First words?
"Ohhhh no...that 's not good." Loosely translated.
I had no choice but to continue with the day's plans...going to the show, being up and down, selling, visiting with family who'd come up for the day. And as is so like me....turning down their offers of assistance. So, at the end of the day, I broke down my space, carted it in multiple trips to the car and drove my sore self home. Ibuprofen has been my friend ever since. I did see the doc, who took x-rays and no, it isn't broken. but the cartilage has pulled away from the rib and will continue to be extremely sore and tender for perhaps weeks. True, that! Take it easy, the doc said. But on days when I'm feeling pretty chipper I get out and do things.....like grocery shopping. That included, this past Friday, lifting a 20 lb bag of cat food into my cart, out of my cart, into the car, out of the car and up the steps into the house. Bad idea. Really bad idea. And I have paid for it ever since. So I suppose I must heed the "take it easy" advice. That said, here's the silver lining: I've had to sit down and be still. Be still....think about that. I've worked on scarves to replenish those that have been selling quite well. I've done some reading. I've done a lot of thinking. I've been wrapping wire and beads. I've been taking care of MY SELF. That is such a foreign concept to me....and in order for it to happen, I was made to be still. That can't be an entirely bad thing. no matter. it's out of my control. so take care of my self, I will.
I also made an offer on a house this week. Nothing to tell except it's in the waiting stages. And I've said before how I feel about waiting. no matter.....it's part of the process.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
do you ever wonder?
I've found myself thinking quite a bit lately about a time in my life when a particular order of events occurred that shaped the course of my life. Perhaps that's because I feel much the same right now as I did then. Not sure what the future holds nor which path to take.
I know we all wonder "what if..."...but I've remembered things that were said to me then and at the time I laughed it off, but looking back at what was going on then....and what I know now....i'm really wondering about some things. The "what if's".....
I was a student at a small college in the NC mountains.....Montreat. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with the rest of my life but i'd narrowed my choices to two. I'd applied to two colleges for further study, each with a specialty in one of my two major areas of interest, special education and social work. One college was here at home, which would mean much less financial stress for my parents, since I was the oldest of four....the other was in the mountains I loved, where several of my friends where planning to go. Greensboro College vs. Mars Hill College.
So I decided to ask for a sign, since I'd applied to both with no clear feeling nor direction as to which I preferred. My sign? I sent both applications out on the same day with this promise to God and myself....Whichever one I heard from first, that would be where I was supposed to go.
Meanwhile, events back at Montreat made me want to stay there. Forever. I was the happiest I can remember. Some friends and I found a little apartment near the P.O. and decided to stay there for the summer and work. Our problem? Convincing our parents that this was a good idea. The folks who had the apartment before us did not leave it in the best shape....in fact, it was a hideous, nasty mess on the day our parents came to visit....and mine immediately put their collective foot down on the idea, thoroughly squashing any plans to stay in dear old Montreat for the summer.
Around the same time, I heard from the colleges to which I'd applied. And wouldn't you know it?....The one from home came in first, the one from away, the next day. It was a head vs. heart decision....but I'd made a promise...and my head won. I could not, in good conscience, continue to live in the mountains on my parents dime when I already knew how much they'd had to scrimp and save in order for me to have the two years away I'd already had. And with three younger siblings at home who I knew would also be heading to college in a few years....well, I just couldn't do it. So....I came home. Attended Greensboro College. Lived at home. Became a special education teacher. Bought a home within a mile of my parents. Taught at the neighborhood school, literally married the boy next door (for real, I did) , had 2 wonderful children, divorced.... and retired in 2006. Married again in 2007, and he passed away in June.
But.....what if....
What if I'd followed that tug? What if I'd stayed in the mountains? How would my life be different? Someone said to me once that I'd missed out on what was right in front of me all along.....that I never really knew. I hadn't a clue what they were talking about...I thought they were just being funny. I thought I was doing the right thing. I've always done what was right for everyone else....I guess I used that as my decision-making tool.
But now, 40 years...Oh. my. gosh...FORTY YEARS later.....I'm wondering. What if I'd gone to Mars Hill? What if I'd stayed in Montreat? What if I'd allowed myself the same happiness I'd always bent over backward to make sure everyone else had? Was that what was right in front of me? Or....exactly what WAS right in front of me that I'd missed...? Maybe......maybe I'm in the process of figuring that out. And I wonder.....if I can do now what I didn't do then.....that maybe I secretly wish I'd done.
I wonder........
Do you.....ever...? What if......
I know we all wonder "what if..."...but I've remembered things that were said to me then and at the time I laughed it off, but looking back at what was going on then....and what I know now....i'm really wondering about some things. The "what if's".....
I was a student at a small college in the NC mountains.....Montreat. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with the rest of my life but i'd narrowed my choices to two. I'd applied to two colleges for further study, each with a specialty in one of my two major areas of interest, special education and social work. One college was here at home, which would mean much less financial stress for my parents, since I was the oldest of four....the other was in the mountains I loved, where several of my friends where planning to go. Greensboro College vs. Mars Hill College.
So I decided to ask for a sign, since I'd applied to both with no clear feeling nor direction as to which I preferred. My sign? I sent both applications out on the same day with this promise to God and myself....Whichever one I heard from first, that would be where I was supposed to go.
Meanwhile, events back at Montreat made me want to stay there. Forever. I was the happiest I can remember. Some friends and I found a little apartment near the P.O. and decided to stay there for the summer and work. Our problem? Convincing our parents that this was a good idea. The folks who had the apartment before us did not leave it in the best shape....in fact, it was a hideous, nasty mess on the day our parents came to visit....and mine immediately put their collective foot down on the idea, thoroughly squashing any plans to stay in dear old Montreat for the summer.
Around the same time, I heard from the colleges to which I'd applied. And wouldn't you know it?....The one from home came in first, the one from away, the next day. It was a head vs. heart decision....but I'd made a promise...and my head won. I could not, in good conscience, continue to live in the mountains on my parents dime when I already knew how much they'd had to scrimp and save in order for me to have the two years away I'd already had. And with three younger siblings at home who I knew would also be heading to college in a few years....well, I just couldn't do it. So....I came home. Attended Greensboro College. Lived at home. Became a special education teacher. Bought a home within a mile of my parents. Taught at the neighborhood school, literally married the boy next door (for real, I did) , had 2 wonderful children, divorced.... and retired in 2006. Married again in 2007, and he passed away in June.
But.....what if....
What if I'd followed that tug? What if I'd stayed in the mountains? How would my life be different? Someone said to me once that I'd missed out on what was right in front of me all along.....that I never really knew. I hadn't a clue what they were talking about...I thought they were just being funny. I thought I was doing the right thing. I've always done what was right for everyone else....I guess I used that as my decision-making tool.
But now, 40 years...Oh. my. gosh...FORTY YEARS later.....I'm wondering. What if I'd gone to Mars Hill? What if I'd stayed in Montreat? What if I'd allowed myself the same happiness I'd always bent over backward to make sure everyone else had? Was that what was right in front of me? Or....exactly what WAS right in front of me that I'd missed...? Maybe......maybe I'm in the process of figuring that out. And I wonder.....if I can do now what I didn't do then.....that maybe I secretly wish I'd done.
I wonder........
Do you.....ever...? What if......
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
it would be nice
so, here it is. the last day of September. I blinked again and another month was gone. I had so hoped to be able to say I'd found my new place to land....the place where my roots could begin to grow again. but not so. I've looked at so many places. each one a little different than the last, each one a little closer to "feeling right" and being "the one"....but not yet. it's a lesson in patience, that's for sure and for certain! I don't wait well. I think I've said this before. I don't wait well at all. but in all honesty I have to say this exercise in patience is teaching me things about myself. I've never, not one day, lived in an apartment, townhouse or condo. why in the world would I think that's what I want to do now? I want my grands to be able to go out and play in my yard...MY yard.....and not worry that they're making too much noise. I want a little space for a garden. I've found that I was thinking too much about my "later years" and what would be better for me then instead of the "from now til then" years...the right now....and what is best for me now. the living part....the part where what I've hoped for may finally be able to happen. I've learned I don't want to skip over that part of living and go straight to the "later" part. god willing, I have a lot of good left...and a lot of years. I want a place where I can go to LIVE....not a place where I can go to wait to die. that's what it all boils down to....the living. so i'm still looking for that place. that place where i can go to begin my living again.
today i'm sitting by the window, working on lovelies for a craft show this weekend. it's the biggest one I've ever been a part of....the first I've done for an entire weekend....and the first I've done outside this local area. I've rented a little cabin in the woods back in the mountains of Virginia where there is no television and I am so looking forward to it! it's been a long time coming, this. one more step into the living.
today i'm sitting by the window, working on lovelies for a craft show this weekend. it's the biggest one I've ever been a part of....the first I've done for an entire weekend....and the first I've done outside this local area. I've rented a little cabin in the woods back in the mountains of Virginia where there is no television and I am so looking forward to it! it's been a long time coming, this. one more step into the living.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
a sabbatical
i'm thinking I may need to take a sabbatical of sorts...away from the life that surrounds me and delve ever-so-deeply into the life that is within me. and I don't even know if that makes sense.
i'm in a decision-making slump. and that is, indeed, terribly poor timing. I need to move, literally...lock, stock and barrel....to.....somewhere. soon. I've been sorting, tossing, packing, all those wonderful things one does when preparing to move. and I don't even know where i'm going. I do know this, however....I know that everyone and his or her brother is attempting to tell me what I do or do not need or want to do.
don't do that, be sure not to, be sure you, don't think, think about that, you don't want to, do you really want to, why would you want to, why not, just do what you want, but is that what you want, why would you go there, think about this, you don't want that, and on and on and on......
to the point that I can't quiet all the voices so I can hear ME. and my voice is ever-so-quiet. a whisper, really. and it says "shut it down.....shut it all down and listen. you need quiet. you need to listen in quiet so you can hear your own heartbeat...see in your own mind where your heart is...
to find where your peace lives. and go there."
on a sabbatical from the life that surrounds, perhaps.
go on a journey to the life that lives within...the life of a dream...and give birth to it.
i'm in a decision-making slump. and that is, indeed, terribly poor timing. I need to move, literally...lock, stock and barrel....to.....somewhere. soon. I've been sorting, tossing, packing, all those wonderful things one does when preparing to move. and I don't even know where i'm going. I do know this, however....I know that everyone and his or her brother is attempting to tell me what I do or do not need or want to do.
don't do that, be sure not to, be sure you, don't think, think about that, you don't want to, do you really want to, why would you want to, why not, just do what you want, but is that what you want, why would you go there, think about this, you don't want that, and on and on and on......
to the point that I can't quiet all the voices so I can hear ME. and my voice is ever-so-quiet. a whisper, really. and it says "shut it down.....shut it all down and listen. you need quiet. you need to listen in quiet so you can hear your own heartbeat...see in your own mind where your heart is...
to find where your peace lives. and go there."
on a sabbatical from the life that surrounds, perhaps.
go on a journey to the life that lives within...the life of a dream...and give birth to it.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
a lesson
People will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget
how you made them feel.
- Maya Angelou
This is a lesson we all need to learn, both as the giver and the receiver. It's a difficult lesson, but a necessary one. It is so simple to smile at someone, to say a few encouraging words, to open the crack in the shell that may surround you. Will everyone learn this lesson? No. Some will still say and do things that make you want to slam the crack shut. And for a while, you may do just that. But don't leave it shut for too long. In doing so, you may miss wonderful opportunities to see and hear and feel and do good things for yourself or someone else. You....WE.....must be willing to live life wide open, taking the good with the bad and sorting through to keep and send forth that which is good without dwelling on the bad insufferably. Think good. Be good. Do good. Say good. And good will come back to you. It may take a while and it may be easy to miss if you're not looking. But somewhere and at some point in time, someone will remember that good....and they'll remember that it came from you. And wouldn't you much rather they remember that?
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget
how you made them feel.
- Maya Angelou
This is a lesson we all need to learn, both as the giver and the receiver. It's a difficult lesson, but a necessary one. It is so simple to smile at someone, to say a few encouraging words, to open the crack in the shell that may surround you. Will everyone learn this lesson? No. Some will still say and do things that make you want to slam the crack shut. And for a while, you may do just that. But don't leave it shut for too long. In doing so, you may miss wonderful opportunities to see and hear and feel and do good things for yourself or someone else. You....WE.....must be willing to live life wide open, taking the good with the bad and sorting through to keep and send forth that which is good without dwelling on the bad insufferably. Think good. Be good. Do good. Say good. And good will come back to you. It may take a while and it may be easy to miss if you're not looking. But somewhere and at some point in time, someone will remember that good....and they'll remember that it came from you. And wouldn't you much rather they remember that?
Thursday, July 24, 2014
happy birthday to me
yep. that's what it says. happy birthday to me. because i can. 58. wow.
I could say I have such wonderful plans for this year...and I do. but everything is subject to change. I surely have learned THAT lesson over the past year. so in this 58th year of me, I plan to remain open to new things, but make plans anyway. and hope. always always hope....for good things to be just around the corner.
yesterday, lunch was with a dear friend of over 40 yrs. last night, dinner was with friends and co-workers, some lucky enough to be retired like me...others, still working, poor souls....all from the elementary school where I taught for all but one year of my entire teaching career. today will be spent with my daughter and grands...out for pizza, a trip to the "big" library, then to Krispy Kreme to watch them make doughnuts...and of course take some home....because we all know Krispy Kreme doughnuts are waaaay better than birthday cake!
it's a drippy day here. who cares. it's been said that rain on your wedding day is supposed to bring good luck. maybe rain on your birthday will do the same. one can only hope!
so today.....happy birthday to me! yep. because I can.
I could say I have such wonderful plans for this year...and I do. but everything is subject to change. I surely have learned THAT lesson over the past year. so in this 58th year of me, I plan to remain open to new things, but make plans anyway. and hope. always always hope....for good things to be just around the corner.
yesterday, lunch was with a dear friend of over 40 yrs. last night, dinner was with friends and co-workers, some lucky enough to be retired like me...others, still working, poor souls....all from the elementary school where I taught for all but one year of my entire teaching career. today will be spent with my daughter and grands...out for pizza, a trip to the "big" library, then to Krispy Kreme to watch them make doughnuts...and of course take some home....because we all know Krispy Kreme doughnuts are waaaay better than birthday cake!
it's a drippy day here. who cares. it's been said that rain on your wedding day is supposed to bring good luck. maybe rain on your birthday will do the same. one can only hope!
so today.....happy birthday to me! yep. because I can.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)