Thursday, July 22, 2010

nearing an end...which means a new beginning

no, nothing tragic or earthshattering. just...the end of another year of mine. number 53, it is. almost over. and what of this past year? what to show that i didn't waste any of it? deep breath and sigh here.....i have a new grandchild. i have spent time with her and mason. i have watched mason grow into a wonderful little boy, full of life and love and happiness, just learning how to find his way with gentle guidance. i have learned that a hug 'round the neck and a peck on the cheek from little lips is worth its weight in gold. that a whispered "love you grammy" is all i need to make a day worthwhile. that holding a tiny brand new little one who opens her eyes and turns her head toward me at the very first sound of my voice the night she was born is a miracle. i have learned that maybe, after all these years, my children really do "get me" after all! i have seen my two grow more this year as good, solid, responsible adults that i proudly say are mine. i have spent more time with my dad, this being the first full year since mom's passing. i truly consider it a blessing that i have been here to do that. i have learned that it's ok not to turn on the tv or radio some days...because in quiet places i hide. i have had busy hands; created beautiful things; learned and re-learned. i have accomplished goals. i have read good books. i have cultivated friendships. i have given words to dreams, given action to plans. i have learned that there really are things that i just plain will not tolerate...and i allow myself to get angry when one thinks i should compromise or live by a double standard. i have learned that the word "No." is an integral part of my vocabulary. i have given permission for determination, strength, hope and faith to grow within me. sometimes i just close my eyes and take deep breaths slowly, one after another, and think about good as to banish the ugly. i have allowed myself to make mistakes without harshly criticizing the lady in the mirror because, after all...she is, like all, still learning how to make her way. and in this next year...this 54th year...? when i look at the number itself, i know for a fact that i used to envision a woman with gray hair, slightly rounded in the middle...wearing one of those crocheted shawls, a cotton dress, her glasses down on her nose, rocking on the porch, reading...but..good gracious...that's not me!! that can't be me!!! 54....sigh. well. it is what it is. and no....i am not that old lady on the porch...not yet! although in all honesty, i do enjoy sitting on the porch reading. and i do, at times, have to put the glasses down the nose. and perhaps i do have a few too many krispy kremes 'round the middle. this year 54 that is coming at me unstoppably....i hope for a year of growth and transformation. some may call it change...but i don't think that's the right word...i'd rather not change myself...just transform what's already here. situations may change...there is of course the potential for many things to occur in a years time. this i do know: whatever this new year of my life brings, i will continue to have hope and faith, determination and strength. i will love. i will do many of the same things i've already been doing, as well as a few new things! it is what you make of it, you know.

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