Monday, February 6, 2012

random musings

hello and welcome to monday. in my world, that is a gooooood thing, monday! it means i didn't spend sunday afternoon and evening feeling the increasing weight on my shoulders as the blanket of dread arose, of knowing i had to get up and face another day at a job that was no longer fun. it meant it didn't matter if the laundry was done by sunday evening...or lunch fixed, to grab and run the next morning. it meant i could spend sunday (which i did) in front of the fire, knitting away, drinking hot tea and not feeling stressed....well...not feeling stressed about going to work, anyway.
since this is just a bunch of random musings, i'll probably be jumping around a lot....from thought to thought....i do that a lot lately.
for instance: i love....absolutely love....the smell of fresh lemon. i cut some this morning for my tea....the juice got on my fingers and even after rinsing, i could smell it. i love that. it's so clean...and spring-like.
i went to dad's for a bit today. he picked some fresh greens from his garden, which i promptly brought home to wash and wash again...and again...just in case. did you know you can soak greens in a sinkful of cold salty water and the critters that may have come home with you will let go? you know. in just a bit, those greens will be bubbling on my stove....yum!
as it turns out, dad has another upcoming surgery....this time, cataracts. this will be his third surgery of some form or fashion in the past two years. thankfully, this one isn't serious....just annoying for him.
yesterday was such a raw, drippy, gray made me feel like i was walking around in a fog myself. thankfully today is much brighter, much less cloudy....and no drippys! the sun is supposed to be here for the entire week...and if it isn't going to snow, then i opt for sun. the bluebirds are here...the bulbs are up and some are blooming....temperatures have rarely gotten below freezing this winter, and as much as i love snow and would love to see a nice, deep, fluffy one, if it isn't going to be "real winter"...then be gone with it and move on to spring.
so much for the for the substance:
how does one speak up about something that is eating away at their gut, when for years their silence has been regarded as acceptance...and it isn't? in opening a can of worms, one must be prepared for all possible outcomes and responses. yes? no? maybe? perhaps that's why i am so very hesitant to begin that which may also finish...because i can't predict an outcome, and the unknown is like some huge abyss that threatens to swallow me whole despite all my efforts to escape it. it's a place i've been before, and came out of just fine eventually...i say that now, but for a while, it was not "just fine" was ugly and dark and scary and it seemed i couldn't make anyone happy, not even myself. ...not exactly a place i'd like to return to, if you get my drift. the last time i was swallowed, i just a shoot from the hip, sudden, fight or flight mode....and thought later. some days i think that was for the best, but i'm older now...and...well... it is nearing a time when some choices must be made. in giving this much think-time lately, i've come to this conclusion:
i think instead of making myself sick worrying over that which i cannot control, or apparently, change...i will make a plan of action that i know i can follow through on. you see, with age has come the knowledge that it really will be matter what action or reaction occurs. easy? not likely. but older women are strong creatures. we know how to make it ok. i know what is right for me and what is wrong for me. i must be the one to act in my own best interest. i understand that in some cases, compromise is not an option because wrong is wrong and you can't make it ok when it isn' can't say "well, that's not as wrong as this so i'll tolerate that but not this" just can't do that. there are some things you just have to stand up to....and there are times when no one else will, so.....just do it. know that you have right on your side....make sure your facts are accurate...present your case calmly, eye to eye....deep are responsible for only your own happiness, not everyone else's....accept that there are just some things you can't fix....don't back down. you have to make your life into what it's supposed to be for you....keep that which is strong, confident and sure. then move forward. and keep telling yourself this: i will be ok. because you will.

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