jumble

this morning i feel such a jumble of emotions....a restlessness, a sadness, a sense of regret....and yet a feeling of strength and confidence, a deep sense of determination...a strong pull to finish things i've started, a very clear sense of anticipation...a deep desire to go into my little room, turn on the music and stay there, working with my hands and let the day slip into evening but at the same time, wanting to jump in the car and drive till i see the sunset.
i learned this morning of the death of one who was a friend years ago at montreat. one who had the most wonderful laugh....who had such a gentle spirit and a warm, loving soul. one who i had lost touch with over the years, and to see her face staring back at me in the morning paper sent my emotions into freefall.....because i regret so much that we didn't keep in touch. i do remember so many good things of those few years...which brings along with it so many other regrets...for others i've lost touch with from times that were without a doubt some of the happiest. that carries me to things now that i don't want to regret later....decisions i've made or need to make....huge projects for those i love, so they will have something of me when someday i am not here...it brings me to remember that life is so very short. that things can change so quickly. it brings my mind to the knowledge that i can't change what i already regret, but i can do now those things which will make for happy memories someday...that i must trust that those good things will be stronger and louder and more bold and colorful than any regret. i can do that. i can make those calls to plan dinner or lunch. i can make that drive to go antiquing. i can teach that friend how to knit. i can drive to the mountains just to sit by the stream and listen to the water, or watch the birds, or look at the leaves... i can take the grands for ice cream even if it's past dinner time. i can do that...all of it.....because life is just too short. so i feel the anticipation, i feel the excitement, i feel the pull to DO. yes, it was born of regret, and for that i am sad.....but now...NOW is what i have...is what we all have....such a gift, this life. open it. use it. wear. it. out. take big, deep gulps of life and reach for it with both arms outstretched. make it the best you can. don't look back with sorrow...don't look around and worry....look up and ahead, with faith.