Thursday, May 15, 2014

just a few words

it's still relatively early here. I'm the only one up right now. i'm having my coffee, enjoying having the windows open. there is a nice breeze...a precursor to the rain and storms of a front moving through.
I can't believe it's been going on 2 months since dad passed away. it all happened so fast, I still don't think I've wrapped my mind around it completely. but I do know that the missing has begun in earnest.
and as the days go by and I continue to be caregiver to hubs, it becomes clear that I will be doing it all again sometime in the not-so-distant future. knee deep in the mire and muck of it, I am.  I must be honest, though. I can't focus on the daily trudging through of meds, appointments, scans, hair loss, fatigue, the accepting help for those things I can't do, the changing of a bandage, the discussions that must be had of wills and trusts and who gets this and that and the other.....all of that would be an anchor to my soul that would pull me to the depths....especially having just gone through it with Dad. No. my mind refuses. So I focus on the beyond.....the after...the looking past to what's next. I know it may sound selfish, but my focus, knowing with fair certainty how this will play out for hubs, must be on what I will the "after all this is said and done" part. I will not be staying in this house. That part, I have decided. But I've always been one to plan, in the sense of what I would dream of, if I could. This, however....this is so different. I must plan, yes...but I can't seem to wrap my mind around all the possibilities and decisions and different directions i'm being pulled. It's always been quite clear to me the decision I must make, based on the need at the time. But this is a decision based purely on What Do I Want. And that is so intensely foreign a concept to is much more difficult a line of thinking than I ever imagined.  Will I actually be able to choose what I want.....Can I do that? 
but then, there are the good things.
my daughter and her little family have bought Dad's house. they will be moving here....lock, stock and barrel. to the place that was home to me, my siblings, my parents....even my grandparents for a the house that she and scott spent a large part of their younger lives in.  so "home" will still....and "home".  I do so love the  thought of that.
I've begun my herb garden, just like I do every spring. The aromas are soothing. It's what's normal. and normal right now is a very good thing.

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