Monday, March 31, 2014

at the door between

I feel like I am at the door between two places.....maybe it's a revolving door....but I go from the coming place to the going place and back again with such ease and frequency these days sometimes I forget whether I am coming or going. it all went topsy-turvy so quickly. like being tumbled in the surf, rolled and scraped in the sand, coming up with scrapes and raw places, dirty and tousled and not knowing which way is up. Yes, that's exactly how it's felt the past few weeks. you see, the "earliest stage" cancer my dad was diagnosed with went from 0 to 60 in about 2 seconds flat. he went in the hospital on a Monday, went into a rapid decline due to a rare and very aggressive type of stomach cancer (linitis plastica...look it up and learn), exited the hospital 2 weeks later under Hospice care, and passed away at home this past Thursday....less than 2 months after his diagnosis. He was in no pain, thankfully. He was able to communicate with us up till the day he left us. He went peacefully. For all that, I will be forever grateful. But that doesn't make it hurt any less.
And today we go to the doctor about hubby. There may be more chemo looming....or maybe not. He continues to lose weight. He tires easily and is in some pain. The chemo would be much more aggressive than the last he did.
It is a most difficult spot, so the revolving door goes from the going to the coming and back again.
I am tired of this place between. I am tired of being surrounded by cancer, of every conversation in every setting being about cancer and what it is doing to those in my life. It is evil. It turns everything upside down and tumbles it around.  And when I open my eyes, i'm not sure if i'm coming or going...or at the door between.

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