Sunday, February 23, 2014
I like my time in the morning when i'm the only one up. I enjoy my coffee, reading the paper, knitting....watching the day wake up, the sun rise. I love that time. I can get my thoughts together, put them on paper...or maybe even in this place, as I am today. i'm still relatively careful what I put out here. I keep a lot inside. there are things that I know are true, that I know I need to put into words and let fly...such as how i'm beginning to think past It....past when It happens....and beginning to wonder about what happens to Me then. A tiny part of me....a tiny part of me with a very loud voice, I might add....says it is selfish to think of myself right now, when this journey we are on looks to be taking The Trip of No Return. That voice tells me to only think of making his days as good as they can be, which I will do, just as I should because it's the right thing to do. But voice, I say.....I must think of the After part, too. The part where it's just me. I think of that on mornings like this....when it's just me and the cat that are awake, when my brain is just beginning to roll over and wake up with that first cup of coffee. And I know deep down that it isn't selfish, but smart. I know it is a Must in my world right now, to think of where I will go and what I will do....to think past It. So this morning, and on many other mornings, i'm liking my quietness....when I can make plans for that time when it is just Me. And what do I feel....how does it feel....to be thinking of that on these quiet mornings? It would be untrue to say there wasn't some fear and trepidation of that unknown. I have so many questions, now that i'm actually faced with the reality, probably within the next several months, of making The Decision....of knowing the answers to What About Me? What will I do with the rest of my "one wild and precious life"....and where will I go? It is in these early mornings that I can separate the fear from the .....dare I say it?....anticipation. That may not be exactly the "right" word to use, but...then again...maybe it is. Because even in the pain, even in all the change and upheaval.....I know that an ending is also a beginning. And in this early morning quiet is when it's easiest for me to remember that.