Friday, February 7, 2014


i'll be very surprised if anyone is still out there. it's been months since I had it in me to open up and put any words here. not that there haven't been times I've been tempted or felt the need. I must tell you, if you're there, that the past few months have been something I never saw as part of the scenario.
in this house, we've been dealing with cancer. lung cancer. not me, but hubby. and this past week we were made keenly aware of how real it is. no surgery will be done, as a tumor has been discovered in/on the bone of his femur, which changes everything. it makes this cancer at a stage 4 since it is now in the bone. there are only 4 stages, you see. surgery was done last week to insert a rod in his leg to stabilize the femur. he starts radiation to that tumor on Wednesday. Chemo....aggressive chemo....will be starting again at some point.  no more radiation can be done on the mass in the lung. he is on pain meds 24/7. he is still eating but continues to lose weight. he can only get around right now using a walker. he is losing the ability to do for himself at a very fast rate. that is, in a nutshell, my last 2 months. But that's not the end of it. No. Not by a long shot. There's more.
yesterday. everything changed again yesterday. that's when we learned my dad has stomach cancer.  we have every reason to believe it's in its very earliest stages, but it still means trips to the cancer center and scans and probably some sort of treatment...perhaps surgery. we haven't met with the oncologist yet so we don't really know. i  am not a fan of the "not knowing".
but I do know this.  i know i'm tired. i am tired in body and soul of this cancer. i know it has changed everything. forever.
cancer is evil. it is ugly. it is a thief. it knows no decency, no sense of fairness.
and still, i hope. i hold hope high in the sky, and though i may be angry and cry and shout, i ask please, please let this hope carry me through the black to the other side.

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