Sunday, July 6, 2014

wondering, contemplating and walking through it

I wonder what it is about normal, everyday life and the walking through it that makes folks think of fear before strength. I wonder what makes them say things like "Aren't you afraid to______?" or "I'd be so scared to____." And it makes me think of how easy it would be to let fear rule the roost. All it takes is simply giving in to it. Like giving in to a craving.....chips and dip, let's say, while watching tv. You start out only planning to eat a few, but before you know it, the whole bag is gone. That's how fear works....before you know it time has gone by....days, weeks... and it has it's hold on you. Fear is the devil's way of getting inside your head. It makes you question yourself....question "should I" and "But what if" and "Do I really need to" or "Maybe I would fail".  And I refuse to let the devil win. I refuse to let fear win. I refuse to give in to it. If I begin by making even one decision based on fear....choosing not to do something because of fear.....then it's done. Over. And fear wins.
Not today, it doesn't. And not tomorrow or the next day or the day after that.
Everything in my life is different now. Everything. My father is gone. My husband is gone. And nothing.....nothing is the same. And it will never be the same again. But....
I can't be afraid to stay by  myself.  I can't be afraid to go places by myself. I can't be afraid to make the changes I know I need to make in order to move forward with the life I now have. Fear cannot make those choices for me. Courage must do that. It will not be has already not been easy.
Am I sad? Yes. Do I question what to do next? Yes. Do I wonder where my feet will take me on this new path? Definitely.  Is there a right way to do this? No. Is there a limit on the time it takes to heal? No. 
So. I will do the best I can. Every day. And only I know what the best I can is. Only I will know that I'm walking through fear...every. single. day. In all the change. With all the questions. Toe to toe with all the uncertainties.  Even if it doesn't look like it to those on the outside looking in.

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