Wednesday, February 3, 2010

determination vs. facts...or heart vs. head

as i sit here this morning, there are words flying around in my head like flies to honey! the day has dawned absolutely beautifully, with clear blue skies and sunshine...and it has made a tremendous impact on my mood. yesterday it was gray...everywhere...and so was i! today, it's as if the colors of the day have flooded my soul...and with it, infinite possibilities. there are so many things i want to accomplish; so many things i have planned. but alas, i have grown roots, i believe, straight from my butt to this chair and i have done nothing...NOTHING i move toward getting any of them actually done! i can imagine that if one were to look up the word "procrastinate" in the dictionary, there would be a picture of me!!! so...right now, in this very moment, i make a pact with get off my rosy red butt and get. it. done.
this is where the title of this post comes in...."determination vs. facts...or heart vs. head".
you see, i have the determination of a thousand armies. and these are "just the facts, ma'am"...i have a house and over 4 acres of land to sell. i need only do a few more things in order to actually plant a sign out front...but have i asked for the help i need? no. have i taken any steps to finish the tasks at hand. no. and i can't help but ask myself why...why? i have nothing to lose and everything to gain.....for the first time in my life i will be on solid footing financially. i will be able to act on dreams i have had for a very long time. so why...why am i not following through on it??! perhaps fear...fear of giving up a part of my life that was, by all definitions and standards, some of the hardest time i have ever had and yet the proudest. the time i can look back on and say "good gosh i really did it". my heart says that...but my head whispers "you know, you can do it again." the fact is...i know that's true. my life, at this point, is not about being where the kids need to be...they are gone and on their own. it isn't about keeping that place just so i can say "that's mine" may be about being where my dad needs me to be...or being near the kids and their families.....but maybe, just's about being where i need to be....not just the location but the place in time...where i need to be in relation to my own dreams and thoughts. during the time the kids and i were in "the little house" there was always talk of "someday"...where we would be, what we would be our lives would be playing out. well...."someday" just might be now....and here i am with the chance to act on a dream...and i'm doing nothing about it. so that's it....determination wins out...the fact is i can. dreams never come true without some form of action. just how badly do i want it? enough. there's that word of mine for this year...i want it enough to act on it. now. my head and my heart are finally, blessedly, gloriously in tune with one another. just a few more hurdles, a few more hoops to jump through. and then, the facts will show that the determination paid off....and it will be done. it. will. be. done.

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