the growl is getting louder

i need, on an epic level, to do a very long, very rambling post encompassing the complete and total anger, frustration....the "hang it all, i freakin' GIVE UP!!!" feelings that it literally is taking every ounce of self-control i have, to endure for the past few weeks. i need on a deep level, a cathartic purge of the growl that is within me and growing louder by the minute. i know...i am one who tries to see the bright side as much as possible...and there is a bright side to this madness i am smack in the middle of....i know there is....and i am truly looking for it. when i find it, i will post on it, as surely as there is breath in me, i will. but....until then, my mother, god rest her soul, would be so very proud of me...because i have been repeating her words and trying my utmost to follow them..."if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."......so....if i am quiet...if i just smile and nod...if it just sit and do cross-stitch while the madness rolls around me....do not think i have totally lost my mind...oh no! in fact, i am trying so desperately to hang on to it....and soon...very soon....if you read a post that makes little sense to you, understand....it makes perfect sense to me...and the release of it will be so good for me. envision this...and i may actually try this act....write on little pieces of paper all that is akilter right now....put them inside a balloon....fill the balloon with helium...and release it. i would hate to be the person who winds up under all that falls from that balloon, but nevertheless...i just may try that.
until then, a time when i feel it is time...deep breaths...mind vacations to my hidey spot of someday....and just keep smiling and cross-stitching....fiddling while rome burns....wow.
and every so often, i reach up and hold the small gift at my neck...remembering with a smile..."be here"....