Friday, March 25, 2011

PUSH me already!!!

this is me venting: today i've been doing homework. i've been presented with an opportunity that i soooooo wanted (i think), was soooo ready for (i thought), so today i decided to just take a deep breath and jump right soon i do the homework. i have a chance to have a booth at a local crafter's mall every sunday afternoon from may through september. i can sell and demonstrate what i do. finally. it's not a big deal to anyone but me...and i LOVE this!!...but...i'm so very disgustingly, annoyingly detail oriented, that i must...MUST do all the homework, ask (and find answers for) all the pertinent questions and then....THEN...IF i haven't found a good enough reason NOT to make the jump...NOT to take that leap of faith....i just it. fear stinks, y'know. the "what if" and "maybe i should just"..."but it might not"....all that hooey about details and mileage and time and gas prices and .....aaaagghhhh. so what if it takes me 25 minutes to get there. so what if gas costs so much. so what if i have to be there a measly 45 minutes after church gets out. so what if nobody shows up. so what if i don't sell a single thing. so what if i won't have time to eat lunch...(and trust me, that may not be a bad thing!) WHY do i DO this?! why can't i just say "yes"..."sure"..."absolutely" and BE DONE WITH IT?! i spend so much time acknowledging and dealing with the fear that i forget how thrilled i was to get the opportunity. i forget that this is what i asked for...what i need to do for me....this is the door i hoped would open and here i stand looking out, afraid to walk through, just thinking how nice it that other place...wondering what it would be like to BE there. Dang it, somebody just push me through the freakin' door already!!!!!! because yes, that's where i want to be but my feet won't move. i feel like the cowardly lion in the wizard of oz, when he was just about to walk in to see the wizard.
and this is me thinking: sigh. do you ever......ever...get to a point where you're comfortable putting little pieces of yourself out for all the world to see...and scrutinize? this is new to me...very new....and i know nobody walks without falling down a few times...but i do want this to be good. the key, for me, may be to not make such a big deal of it and just do it. no one is a success who doesn't even try. so.... you hear the creeaakk as the door opens? the slow shuffle of hesitant feet? do you see me smiling and waving from the open door? i suppose, with all the effort and time and hope i've put into it, there's really only one thing i can do. come...walk with me through the door.....

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