neglect

neglect. such a strong word. truthfully, though, it's exactly the word to describe what i've been doing. neglecting this place...though i doubt there's been much widespread disappointment over that. neglecting to mention my grand-daughter's second birthday....i feel really bad about that. we had a wonderful afternoon together at her party, enjoying banana splits and birthday cake. she's such a joy and i do love her so! neglecting to speak to those i rarely see....and thinking about it later, wondering why, and what if that's the last time i see them...because you really do never know. neglecting to finish an endless list of projects...why, i do not know, but that's been part of my story from the beginning...the planning, the beginning part,  i can do...but i'm not so great at the finishing part. neglecting to take the day trips i'd wanted to do this summer....for no reason at. all.  neglecting to take care of myself as i should....ice cream should be a treat for every-so-often, not every-single-night...and no, potato chips are not a good lunch.  neglecting to replant the tomatoes when they died. neglecting to pinch the dead blooms off the petunias. neglecting to speak up about things that bother me...instead, just plodding on. neglecting to step out on faith and apply to a few festivals i wanted to do this year. even neglecting to choose what i really want on the menu, opting for something else because it costs less and it will taste just as good.....and on it goes.
What??!! (insert the sound of screeching brakes here.)
i look back and read this....and see how i have totally flopped at being me. how i've...again....been a spectator instead of a participant. how i've given away my power of choice. how i've allowed things to happen simply by doing nothing. so, to the mirror i go....
"you are an idiot. you aren't really living your own life. what happened to your voice? how could you allow this? look at what is going on around you, woman! who do you think is going to swoop in and do something about it? get with the program, lady! take some deep breaths and get out there and live your life. it's not a parade that you can just sit and smile, watching and waving as it goes by, y'know...it's YOURS! and sweetie, if you want to get something out of it, you have to put something into it! if you see something you don't like, you're the ONLY ONE that can do something about it! wake up, sleeping beauty....this is not a dress rehearsal, it's the real deal! what are you thinking?! "
yep. nobody talks to me better than me.  i mean really....what WAS i thinking?  i have a birthday next week...and this is as good a time as any for my wake-up call. out with the old, in with the new. perhaps the best gift i can give myself is change.  yes.....i think that is a most wonderful idea.
starting. right. now.