within

I am entering a time when it is normal and usual for me to go within myself for a while. Partly because of the changes in season....nightfall earlier, cooler temps, etc. But also because historically speaking the next few weeks carry me into a time of reflection. The older I get, the more I find there are several times of the year that carry that same feeling.....Christmas....the end of May/first few weeks of June. It's quite something as we age.....there are few periods of time when I don't think "This was when....." Is it the same for you?
The coming few weeks, however, beginning tomorrow....cause reflection of the deepest sort. It's the first time I was totally blindsided by life. Sure I'd had disappointments and sadness and hurt. But until the period of Sept 28 thru the first few weeks of Oct in 1981, I had never had the props totally knocked out from under me with such life-changing force. It's the first time I could relate to those who say they were just acting in a robotic state, out of nothing but habit...."I'm making coffee not because I want coffee but because it's what you're supposed to do first thing in the morning" for example.
Sept. 28. It's the time I went to a normal Dr. visit alone, 7 months pregnant with my first child, thinking nothing was out of the ordinary....only to be told before I left the office, "I think we've lost it." WE'VE lost it. Really? No heartbeat. No movement. But we need to be sure, He said. so the test on the "big machine" at the hospital was scheduled. but not right away. oh no. 2 days later. so i had to go and try to "be normal".  I drove home. I went to PTA that night because it was open house and I'd only been teaching at this school for a short while and I didn't know what else to do. I went to work the next day. and the next day I went to the "big machine at the hospital." a friend from high school was operating the machine that day. when she was done she said Honey, we're going to have to admit you. did the doctor tell you what that would mean? Yes, I said.
Oct. 1.  3 a.m. She was delivered. and gone. just like that. with no rhyme or reason why. It was the first time my heart ever really broke into a million tiny little pieces.
fast forward to today....32 years later. i have 2 wonderfully perfect children (perfect in the health sense anyway ;) ), the first of which i would not have, had things been different on that day. my life  would have been so different, but i do not for the life of me see how it could have been any better. rough and tough in some spots, sure....but those two and the unique way they both entered this world are my miracles.  I can sit and be sad over what i don't have, over what happened to me...and yes, it does still happen......but my, oh my....look what i DO have. We can't go back and change the past. we can, however, be thankful for the present, enjoy it as the gift that it is....and know we can look forward with hope to the future. my two miracle children have pulled me from the depths and dregs on more than one occasion.  i think god knew i would need them. and he wasn't wrong.
so......this is a time when i tend to be quiet for a bit. a time when i tend to seek out those quiet places where i can talk to god and take some deep breaths......and vow to keep moving on. because in the general scheme of things....you can lay down and let life run all over you or you can take up your sword and shield and run headlong into life, fighting with all you've got the entire way. and personally, i'm pretty sure that day 32 years ago was the day god turned me into a fighter.